a walk in the park

With my tea every morning I also get a quote. This one read, 'to know the road ahead, ask those coming back. chinese proverb.' 

Yesterday I was on the phone for hours with my friend Jen. She and her partner had baby Monte six months ago. I've spent many long conversations with her, mostly focused on insemination, donors, and our health.  The call I made to her yesterday was new. I asked her if she thought I could do this alone. 

Pregnancy is scary, children are even scarier. I appreciate this and yet cannot fully connect with it. Having a baby now is the one thing I know. For me, the fear is usurped by this knowing. For my partner it is not. 

We compromise which leads to resentment; we argue which leads to sensitivity. Some friends of ours call this "Crazy Town". I'm ready to move to "Baby Town" already! Yet I keep asking myself is this right? Are we experiencing normal prenatal stress or are we in trouble with a capital T? 

We spent the last two days apart. Today, we are going for a walk in the park. 

Baby bomb #1

You know how at some point in your life, you look around with wonder and "this is not my beautiful life, this is not my beautiful wife" swishes between your ears. This is my theme song right now. Not to sound cliche, but I had planned it all so differently. Actually I'm not sure I planned much. Falling in love with a woman and trying to get pregnant at 38; those two biggies were not in the plan.

So here I am. A straight woman in a gay relationship. Before you gasp or shake your head, I will do it for you. I don't have any explanation, and I'm convinced I don't need any. My sister has always respected "my ability to exercise my choice". I want to think she means,  I'm not limited by conventions. However she would explain it as my lack of identity. She's not be the only one; bisexuality makes people crazy, even here is sunny San Francisco.

The bay area is my home. I've lived everywhere between Santa Rosa to San Jose. A friend of mine calls native bay area girls, B.A.G.s. I embrace this title.  My sister doesn't get it; she also vacations to Disneyland twice a year. Luckily my brother and his wife have sworn to stay away from Disneyland (though not all things Disney). They are going to have a baby in May. My sister told my partner she knew I would want a baby once my brother and his wife got pregnant. Maybe she's right, who cares. I do know this last Christmas a bomb went off inside me.

I was laying on the bed at my partner's parents house and I felt my heart drop into my belly. The message was clear: I have to have a baby! Move out of my way, I'm gonna have a baby! It was that clear. On the drive home I told my partner I was starting the process to get pregnant.

I got home and went right to the sperm banks online. What a rush.